Dossier? What dossier?

Blair's in the doghouse


Linda Heard


Didn't your parents tell you not to kick a dog when he's down? Of course they did and yet you lot persist in hounding our Tone over something as silly as an intelligence dossier. Ridiculous!


That dossier was one of the finest documents ever to come out of Number 10. How do I know? The 'Master of the Universe's' Bull Mastiff called it 'exquisite'. What more do you want? Ok, so it was 12 years old. So what?


All right, I hear you. Part of it was plagiarised. It was lifted off the web. In fact, most of it was, but my sources tell me that Tony's press secretary Alistair Campbell is unfairly in the soup. Stop cribbing will you. There was a far bigger intellect than his behind the fiasco of the file.


Between you and me ... Sssh! ... M15 is on strike. Those intelligence chappies, earning a mere ... Oh, sorry classified ... heard that the Lord Chancellor's entertainment allowance was more than theirs and took off to the cocktail circuits of Chechnya and Kazakhstan. MI6 have all grown beards, and are pretending to be terrorists in northern Iraq. So what's a poor PM supposed to do? I ask you.


There he was, ordered to produce a 'top secret' intelligence dossier prior to Powell's presentation to the UN, when, lo and behold, the Bonds had all buggered off. They're never around when you need them.


First, he did what he always does and called his press secretary. His trusty spinmeister would come to the rescue. But Mr Campbell was lunching with the editor of ... Oops! Classified again. Poor Tony cast around for someone who could throw him a bone when Cherie came to mind. Then he remembered. She was working out with her best friend Carole. You know, the one with the conman boyfriend.